Rawr!

Sometimes I have the most amazing dreams. Like last night, it was the dream of my perfect life. I was at the same point in time where i'm at; however, things were a little twisted. I was enrolled for grad school instead of trying to find a job. I had just started to go out with Shiau, which was wonderful. But then I woke up confused, asking where was I. I don't believe in alternate realities but that made me wonder. Could things have been that way? Surely it was what i wish for and I wanted to stay asleep and continue to be there but it vanished. I feel so very impotent. I have to do something about this but right now all i can do is live on and expand myself.

Yes, that is very true. I can't seem to find a job and every girl i've ever been interested in has no interest in me. What is wrong with me? I don't know honestly. But every plan I ever made is falling apart right on my face, all my wishes are impossible to get. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting to die out, I'm not part of the mainstream culture, I'm an outcast and natural selection is meant to weed me out of this process of social evolution. What am i supposed to do about it? Who I am seems to be in conflict with what i want. here is where I enter this self vs desire dilema. Here is where buddhism really kicks in, "be bound by nothing". Then again, I am not one to follow doctrines. I believe that self realization comes as a result of rigorous self analysis to ultimately fix any parts of the self that are in conflict. This is a process of transfiguration that requires the living experience as the driving mechanism of change. This is the concept of life that i've developed throughout my experience so far. i have to admit that my perception is very limited by my preconceptions and therefore I must be either completely wrong or vaguely grasping something. I'd like to believe it is the ladder but that could result in self deception and a wasted life. So how am I supposed to know? There seems to be no possible physical perceptive way of getting an answer. Therefore I am trapped in that way. this is the point where i start wondering about creation...but right now I need to be doing something else and this is getting more elaborate than i first thought, so i'll continue this later.

sooo my fucking deadly sin is caring too much about kelly? is it so bad that is fucking up both of our lives? what the hell am i supposed to do? just stand and pretend that i don't care when i'm being torn to pieces when you tell me how you're suffering so much? If i had known how you really felt i would have told you otherwise. believe me that i just want you to be happy, you know that is the truth

I need to change...*faces the sky*...it's so cloudly, but this is the reality i must face. The dream is over. Time to find my own light.

I've been analyzing my thoughts a lot lately and I've realized that I don't really know many things that I take for granted. For example, my own emotions. why do I feel happy or sad about certain things? what really defines happiness? Some might argue that it is doing what you want to do, realizing your dreams and desires. Hence feeling closer to attaining such goal gives a feeling of happiness. The problem is, what happens when you reach that goal? would you be ultimately happy and stay in such a state or would you find another goal to pursue? the former is unlikely. hence, wouldn't that mean that such happiness is tied to an endless pursuit? what happens when you get old and are in your bed dying? would you feel happy or disappointed for being unable to pursue your dreams further? is that real happiness or ultimately an addiction for momentary satisfaction? I don't think it is real happiness but i can't claim to know what real happiness is. That's pretty much the conclusion that I come up with when I analyze myself deeply, I really don't know anything. Yet, that doesn't mean that I have changed, I'm still addicted to the pleasures I enjoy, which might be something that is holding me down from the truth. I'm still biased, even to think that is a biased view of mine. So, I must destroy everything that I claim to be, I must get over the pleasures that I enjoy. why? because I don't know anything, I didn't decide for myself to enjoy such things so by doing so I'm in a conflicting state holding me unconscious. I could say right now, "I choose to enjoy these things I enjoy" but would that be my free unbiased will?

I've gotten a haircut. there's various reasons but the most relevant is that I felt the need for a change. Besides, it didn't really suit me. The whole reasons behind getting my hair get that long in the first place were, 1) rebellion, to my parents that were always trying to control my image, 2) I wanted to see how it would look, 3) I liked to play with it so it kind of acted as a social barrier. That's pretty much it. Honestly I always thought that I looked better with short hair when looking at pictures but I was just being stubborn by holding on to my symbol of independence. It served its purpose, but now i don't need it anymore. Now I need to look good damn it! *starts working out and putting on thousands of acne remedies*

mmnnn, my sister wants to get guitar hero *sigh* I keep telling her that it sucks! ddr is way more fun than guitar fucktard, ohh well, her choice.

I have a jap test today, I just went over the kanji and it seems that I got it really fast hehe. hooray for flash memory XD. I think I'll do pretty good, the reading was hard though, it was a story about doraemon. he's a robot cat that was sent from the future by the great grandson of nobita to stop him from being the total loser that accumulated a huge debt that his descendants were still paying haha. Man, i'm in debt. Is good that I don't have to pay until I graduate. meh, I'll get a good paying job so it won't be bad I hope hehe. I have an ethics paper due tomorrow, I'll get started right now, it should be easy.

Damn it! I'm feeling really crushed. Why are these thoughts tormenting me? Why do they distress me so much? argh!!!

mmmnnn, I can't seem to be able to sleep...i'm worried.

You Would Be a Pet Cat

Independent and aloof, you don't like to be dependent on anyone. And as for other people, you can take them or leave them. You often don't care. You live your life by your own rules. And you have deep motivations that no one truly understands. Why you would make a great pet: You're not needy or greedy... unlike other four legged friends. Why you would make a bad pet: You're not exactly running down to greet people at the door What you would love about being a cat: Agility and freedom What you would hate about being a cat: Being treated like a dog by clueless humans

Everything seems so different right now. Something changed, my world has changed, my role has changed. Everything is the same, nothing is out of place yet it all feels so different. Maybe is just that my perception is messed up because I'm sick but maybe something did change. Is weird, I just remembered something from when I was about 7 years old. One day I woke up fully naked, it was weird because I always sleep fully clothed. I asked my mom why was I naked and she told me that I had stipped down myself, that I had gotten up and started screaming and cursing everybody and that then I took my clothes off and went to bed. I really don't remember anything of that and I don't think it has ever happened again, although sometimes I do wake up with my shirt off. But I think that's just normal, I mean, a shirt can fall off me somehow when i'm moving around on my sleep, right? I don't even know why that memory seems scary now, is like I can almost remember but there's something blocking it. And I don't even know if I'm making up the images that come up to my head when I think of that night. I'm just a little scared now. Maybe I'm just thinking too much having a messed up perception because I'm sick. Maybe I'll be back to normal tomorrow.

Today it has been one of those days where the future just hits me. What do I want to do? Actually what can I do that would be the best for me? As Electrical Engineer I'll have quite some good demand I think, the question is in what field to specialize? If I specialize in power, I could get a job in almost any town in utilities, but that would be kind of boring and wouldn't pay so well. I could also get a job in a power plant, I talked to some people from a nuclear power plant and they told me that they will be hiring in consequent years since there are some expansions to the plant in project, and I like nuclear power with no greenhouse gases emmissions. I think I might get a summer internship there to check it out. I'm interested in power generation, in developing and promoting environmental friendly ways to generate power so I'll probably like working in a geothermal plant or a hydroelectric plant or a nuclear plant but it might get old after a while. I could specialize in electronics and build integrated circuits that seems pretty fun since there's always new chips to develop and ultimately with the trend to miniaturize IC's I would run into some quantum effects and i'll have to get into physics and understand some theoretical things and test and do research so it potentially could be very interesting. My other option is signal processing, so I'll be into communications and/or control systems. Communications is boring. Controls on the other hand is very interesting. I'd really like to develop controllers to keep systems stable but since control theory can be applied to stabilize any system I'll have to keep learning a lot of things. Like right now I'm taking a class that is an introcuction to how to heal genetic diseases by using controls, is very very interesting. Sooo, i could do a lot of interesting things hehehehe. And the nice thing is that I can specialize in two areas and still take some classes to have a good background of another.

Why the fuck do some people don't realize that most of the time, the way they think and interpret some things is not true? Why the fuck push your fucking beliefs and feelings to others? You want to express yourself, fine, do it. But if there is no response then don't fucking insist because you get to be irritating and I'll fucking cock slap you, I swear I'll do it. Grrrr, i'm so pissed right now.

eek! I don't know what to do, I need some advice, I need to listen to a different opinion...

for the last week I've been having the same dream, I'm talking to Kelly and I feel really happy. I never remember what we talk about though. Is kind of weird, I wake up and I look for her but then i realize that i'm actually on my bed and that i had just woken up hahaha. It is kind of funny.

man, i've been up all night playing wow again, pvping is so much fun!!! haha. I see all this horde with crazy gear and whoa i look to take them on one on one. I think they're not used to fight balance druids like me hehehe, or they just suck hahaha. anyways, enough about wow. Moving on to life matters, everything is very static. However, some things are becoming more defined in me. I am growing mentally and emotionally and somehow i'm gaining a lot of confidence. About freaking time! hahahaha. A new me is waking up, yet another psychological transition but still a long way to go to be my best hahaha. Is good, i have potential. I can see it in me. I need some support though, I have moments of weakness and I need somebody to keep me on track, somebody for whom I must develop (I need to do it for myself, but I am not a whole being).

man, is this late and i'm not sleepy at all and is not because i'm playing wow, i didn't feel like playing anymore, hence this entry haha. I have something stuck in my head, niggerfaggit! HAHAHA, nahh just kidding. I just can't sleep hahaha. I just feel like jumping and dancing hahaha.

I feel really weird again. Is hard to explain this time. I feel like if I try to look at myself in the mirror, I won't see myself fully reflected, that I'll appear trasparent like a ghostly figure. If something is there but everybody ignores it, is it really there? How can I see the unseen? How can I phase shift into their reality? maybe it is that existence is really a dual thing and is not a matter of shifting matter but only shifting perception. Probably nobody would understand what I mean with that. I am a weird one, I know. I've been told that I think too much, that I should just stop it and go on with life. But I ask, what's the point in living without a purpose? I have these questions, they are part of my being, they need to be answered. That people say there is no answer won't do it for me, probably they just haven't found them. I'm not saying that they exist, I'm just following my instinct that tells me to keep looking. That is all there is to it. But that doesn't mean that I'll destroy myself in the proscess, I know there should be a balance. But right now I'm completely out of balance, totally shifted to the physical and that's something that should be fixed. There's really no big deal, other than I have to leave like an hour a day to meditate and such and nothing else would change. Is that bad? lol.

Anyways, enough about me. My brother is now engaged, booya! My sister just told me about it, he didn't tell me anything haha. Maybe I scared him that time I said that I had to aprove her to be his wife hahaha. I was just kidding, I told my sister that about her boyfriend too. Is a family thing, my dad was a really jelous sibling and I was just kind of mocking him hahaha. So yea, I hope everything goes well with my bro and my future sister in law. They'll probably settle in san antonio, since my brother just got a good job there. I wonder if I'll ever get married too...so far things are looking really bad hahaha.

man, I didn't sleep last night because I didn't want to miss my morning class and now that I'm back from it I'm really tired haha. But I can't sleep yet, have class at 2 that I also shouldn't miss. Ohh and is Monday, meaning anime night show haha. Man, it will be a long day hahaha. Is weird though, eventhough I'm really sleepy, I'm actually more aware than most times. I can feel my thoughts forming into images whenever I'm about to fall asleep haha. Is pretty fun, maybe I should try to have an astral projection tonight.




"El campo sigue minado y nadie dice nada por salvar a los ciegos." - Dime Jaguar by Jaguares

translates to something like:

"The field is still landmined and nobody says anything to save the blind ones."

damn, being depressed sucks. But why do I feel sad? I can't possibly change this feeling, I can cover it up with other emotions but when everything else is gone, this is all that is left. But this is only because of myself, this is the degrading state I am, trapped in my own perception and fighting against my own emotions. This is the me when nobody else is around, one that looks for answers that might be impossible to understand, one that looks for an exit that might not even exist. I question myself too much, my feelings, thoughts, and states of mind, what is the nature of those things? I try to not make any excuses to justify my own fault, if I feel bad is because of my own self. But recognizing my own fault doesn't fix the problem, for example: I feel sad because I'm alone, the problem is that I feel sad not that I am alone so I know that I have to change that state of mind but I can't do anything other than cover it up with other things like play games, watch tv, or talk to friends. So the problem is still there, hidden in the depths of my psyche, waiting for circumstances to justify and express itself. That is what I call a psychic aggregate, a part of my psyche that is triggered by some circumstances to create some state of mind. By that analysis I see myself as nothing but a collection of such aggregates, each triggered by its own circumstances, some are opposites and fight against each other for control. Each of those aggregates is in essence self willed, they are like different individuals that constitute the plurality of the myself. So I understand that as long as those aggregates continue to exist, I will continue to be trapped in my own perception and therefore will continue to degrade.


"Is not that many come together to constitute a One. One is broken down into many."